What is Your Song?

Is it easier to hurt myself; to tell myself I am not worthy, deserving or enough?  Is it easier sometimes to pick up a bottle rather than the phone and reach out?  Yes, sometimes it is. But that isn’t who I am, not really.  It’s not who I want to be either.  And I don’t want it to be my song.  I don’t want what Bruce did to that precious little girl to be my/her/our song.  I don’t want trauma and loss to be my song either.  Yes, it will always be part of my story but I want, and my deepest desire is to choose this for myself, my song to be what I do with that; what I do with what happens as I climb this mountain (this mountain of healing, grieving, growing, loving, living and thriving).  So what is my song, my true, authentic song?  The song who tells the story of who I really am, that brings love & light to the world, that shouts out my truth, the truth that those who love, care and support me, that are on this climb with me, see and reflect back to me in the compassion they willingly and unconditionally show?  Somewhere inside I know my song is love, light, bravery, compassion, courage, strength and so much more, because that is who I really am.  The truth is that who I really am is so much bigger, and more important, than anything that has ever happened to me or in my life.  Claiming that truth, however, is one of the most difficult obstacles on this mountain after a lifetime believing I am not (not worthy, deserving, good enough, lovable, etc.).

Am I perfect, no.  While I have started the process of choosing myself, my true self, over what is easier, I don’t always stay on track/make the better choice.  And yes, I am always the first to beat myself up over it.  But the God I believe in, the one I am learning to trust and who has always been there, does not ask perfection of me (or any of us) and I am awakening to the awareness/realization that He never has and never will.  I’m not even sure the God that I believe in, the One that has always been there, ‘asks’ anything of me; that maybe, just maybe, he is on this journey with me because he is in me.  My spiritual path teaches that God is within.  A voice inside me says that I already am, that I AM who he created me to be.  Now it is up to me to know, claim, choose and live that.  I wonder as I write this if, to He who created me, I am already perfect.  That scares the crap out of me.

Every day, every step up this mountain, is a choice because it is just that, a process, a journey. More than anything, I want it to be a conscious choice  And this next chapter is still more scary, painful and unknown to me than words can express; more difficult than any mountain I have ever climbed.  I am the one who ‘asks’ (demands) perfection of myself, the one who punishes myself, and the one who believes I am not worthy, deserving or enough; not God and not mom, Ginny, David, J, Dr.K, Cherryl, Sheila, or the other loving and amazing people with and supporting me on this journey.  Despite the pain and fear, I can’t and won’t turn my back and walk away from this mountain.  Yet I can’t climb it singing anyone else’s song; I have to sing my own song.  I don’t know all the words yet and I hope that is o.k.  I think maybe I will learn them as I climb farther up this mountain.  It seems like it would be easier, and not near as scary, to know them before I climb up the mountain but I don’t think healing or life work that way (neither does climbing, for that matter). And as scary as not knowing them before I start the climb is, my soul and it’s vision won’t let me walk away from this mountain.  That is both the hopeful and scary part.

Listening to David this morning touched me in a way that is hard to put into words.  Ginny, David, mom, J and the other people who are supporting me and singing their songs are true heroes to me.  Their bravery, authenticity and light in this world are an inspiration like nothing else and their love, compassion and support are gifts that mean more and have helped me more than words can say.  I finally have the support I never had and wouldn’t trade it for ANYTHING in the world; after all, I can’t climb this mountain alone and I don’t want to either.  I want to try each day to live by their example, using that love to help me remember who I really am, who we all are.  And I also hope one day sooner rather than later I can be that for others.  As I make my way up this mountain, that inspiration and support feed my soul and strengthen it’s vision; a vision of healing, living, thriving and loving – for myself, others and the world.