Is it easier to hurt myself; to tell myself I am not worthy,
deserving or enough? Is it easier
sometimes to pick up a bottle rather than the phone and reach out? Yes, sometimes it is. But that isn’t who I
am, not really. It’s not who I want to
be either. And I don’t want it to be my
song. I don’t want what Bruce did to
that precious little girl to be my/her/our song. I don’t want trauma and loss to be my song
either. Yes, it will always be part of
my story but I want, and my deepest desire is to choose this for myself, my
song to be what I do with that; what I do with what happens as I climb this
mountain (this mountain of healing, grieving, growing, loving, living and
thriving). So what is my song, my true,
authentic song? The song who tells the
story of who I really am, that brings love & light to the world, that
shouts out my truth, the truth that those who love, care and support me, that
are on this climb with me, see and reflect back to me in the compassion they
willingly and unconditionally show? Somewhere
inside I know my song is love, light, bravery, compassion, courage, strength
and so much more, because that is who I really am. The truth is that who I really am is so much
bigger, and more important, than anything that has ever happened to me or in my
life. Claiming that truth, however, is one
of the most difficult obstacles on this mountain after a lifetime believing I
am not (not worthy, deserving, good enough, lovable, etc.).
Am I perfect, no.
While I have started the process of choosing myself, my true self, over
what is easier, I don’t always stay on track/make the better choice. And yes, I am always the first to beat myself
up over it. But the God I believe in,
the one I am learning to trust and who has always been there, does not ask perfection
of me (or any of us) and I am awakening to the awareness/realization that He
never has and never will. I’m not even
sure the God that I believe in, the One that has always been there, ‘asks’
anything of me; that maybe, just maybe, he is on this journey with me because
he is in me. My spiritual path teaches
that God is within. A voice inside me
says that I already am, that I AM who he created me to be. Now it is up to me to know, claim, choose and
live that. I wonder as I write this if,
to He who created me, I am already perfect.
That scares the crap out of me.
Every day, every step up this mountain, is a choice because
it is just that, a process, a journey. More than anything, I want it to be a conscious choice
And this next chapter is still more scary, painful and unknown to me
than words can express; more difficult than any mountain I have ever climbed. I am the one who ‘asks’ (demands) perfection
of myself, the one who punishes myself, and the one who believes I am not
worthy, deserving or enough; not God and not mom, Ginny, David, J, Dr.K, Cherryl,
Sheila, or the other loving and amazing people with and supporting me on this
journey. Despite the pain and fear, I
can’t and won’t turn my back and walk away from this mountain. Yet I can’t climb it singing anyone else’s
song; I have to sing my own song. I don’t
know all the words yet and I hope that is o.k.
I think maybe I will learn them as I climb farther up this
mountain. It seems like it would be
easier, and not near as scary, to know them before I climb up the mountain but I don’t think healing or
life work that way (neither does climbing, for that matter). And as scary as
not knowing them before I start the climb is, my soul and it’s vision won’t let
me walk away from this mountain. That is
both the hopeful and scary part.
Listening to David this morning touched me in a way that is
hard to put into words. Ginny, David, mom,
J and the other people who are supporting me and singing their songs are true
heroes to me. Their bravery,
authenticity and light in this world are an inspiration like nothing else and
their love, compassion and support are gifts that mean more and have helped me
more than words can say. I finally have
the support I never had and wouldn’t trade it for ANYTHING in the world; after
all, I can’t climb this mountain alone and I don’t want to either. I want to try each day to live by their
example, using that love to help me remember who I really am, who we all are. And I also hope one day sooner rather than
later I can be that for others. As I
make my way up this mountain, that inspiration and support feed my soul and strengthen
it’s vision; a vision of healing, living, thriving and loving – for myself,
others and the world.
